Getting Married as a Path of Personal Growth / Michal Ron

THE WAY TO PARTNERSHIP

Have you ever considered the possibility you were actually creating that?

Would you like to change that?

I am a practitioner of the Grinberg method, according to which we create each and every single state in our life. Those might be physical, emotional, or behavioral states, for example: insomnia, back aches, smoking, depression, stress, or any other state, even being single.

The process of change in the Grinberg Method begins with a foot-analysis, in which we examine the subjects in life that we would like to work upon.

In the course of the sessions that come afterwards we concentrate on different forms of body work, like interactive massage, exercises, and play.

After many years of practicing different techniques and methods, I came to the conclusion that this is the best, most fast, efficient, fun and cheap way for us to sort things out in our life.

(For further information about the Grinberg method, please read my article in this blog.

This paper presents two stories of ex-clients of mine, on their way to a good and happy relationship. Those people are described in the most general and un-identifiable way in order to protect their privacy.

First Case Study

A very beautiful and successful woman came to me. She was well in her thirties, yet never had a relationship before. She was well-courted and had many suitors, with whom she used to date, and occasionally to have sexual relationship with, yet as I stated above, none of these relationship ever grew to become a couple-hood.

In our joint work together we did not specifically work on this issue, but rather concentrated on her ability to be more assertive at work.

It took us two months to solve this issue, and then a crises broke up in her relationship with her parents. The solution to those problems enabled her to start a whole new relationship with her parents, based on her autonomy, independence and strength, without losing even a bit (and in fact – winning a lot more) of love, affection and warmth in the excellent relationships she was having with her parents.

A very short while after the main professional, financial and family issues of her life were solved she met by chance a very nice guy. A few months later they moved to live together, and nowadays they are raising their child.

The friend who referred her to me said she's never in her life seen a more beautiful and loving relationship.

I bring this case in order to show how very deep and long lasting changes in our love life can be arrived at even while working on other issues in our life.

The way I see it today, that woman did not create any long lasting relationship with any man because she was not sure of her own strength and assertiveness in relationships. Only after securing and practicing her strength and assertiveness in both career and family situations did she feel confident enough to get involved in a close, intimate, long lasting relationship with a man.

Second Case Study

That man was quite a good looking, intelligent, and successful young person, and I was wondering how come he managed to stay single for so long.

It didn't seem to bother him, though, and he said he didn't really like to get into any committing relationship.

He did, though, feel he was quite shallow emotionally-wise, and we chose to try and add some more feelings and depth to his life.

In the beginning he was talking a lot. It took us a while to start doing and experiencing some real body work, instead of indulging in vain intellectual discussions.

Then came an experience which uncovered emotions that surprised him quite a lot. He was overwhelmed by waves of rage and anger he has never experienced before, which he never knew existed in him, and which he never knew he could contain.

It took us a few more months of mutual work to put all the pieces together and see how much anger he felt towards his mother due to her over protectiveness. All the energy and action he was not allowed to exert in his youth have accumulated in him in the form of anger he was not even aware of, and never felt before.

Any new relationship with a woman would have actually meant for him experiencing again these restrictions on his freedom and the anger which was still there, waiting to be resolved since his early childhood.

As far as he was (unconsciously) concerned, he would rather not have any such a relationship, as they would force him to experience those feelings.

In a most unconscious way he preferred to give up any awareness to his feelings and to experience an emotional shallowness or over-intellectualism, while in fact he was trying to hide away these emotions which he was not willing to experience or acknowledge.

In the process of work we managed to reach deeper and deeper levels of anger and rage, and to unload him from that burden.

In one of the sessions he even learned how to say 'no!' – which he hardly ever did until that session.

Gradually he started experiencing more and more feelings in his life.

I have no 'happy end' yet to this story as I moved to San Francisco and he continued with another practitioner of the Grinberg method, yet I think that man can serve as a good example of how sometimes we choose the option of single-hood due to reasons that we are not wholly conscious of, like well hidden emotions that we are afraid to face. Revealing those emotions and solving the history that caused us to store them in our subconsciousness will enable us to form new, close and loving relationships.

Third Case Study
I met that woman in one of the workshops in which I have participated. She kept saying how much she wanted a relationship, and how determined she was to have one soon.

For some reason it was very clear to me that she hasn't got a chance in a million to get there, yet I didn't know why.

She was at her late thirties, she approached many men, was dating very often, but would never make it to the second date.

I had to nag her quite a lot, as I was curious, and finally she came to a feet analysis. (In the Grinberg method by feet analysis one can examine any repeating pattern in life, and track its source in ones personal history.)

In the feet analysis it became very clear that she was constantly and only active – not only generally in her life, but also with men.

She decided to start coming for a process, and we started meeting once a week.

It took me a lot of effort to convince her to stop courting men. I do not opposing courting in general, of course, I only wanted her to try and stop that repetitive, automatic behavior, which was the only option she knew, as I thought she has much go gain from trying something new.

After a while she agreed not to court any man for two whole weeks! In those two weeks she was approached by three different men. It was also the first time in her life that she received flowers from a man…

Another issue was her mother. Supposedly, they were very close. She would tell her mom about all the men in her life, and her mom would encourage her to go on approaching men and doing her best. Her mom was actually putting much stress on her, in order to help her get married.

She told me she would not have minded to live her life on her own, if it wasn't for her mom who kept nagging her.

Actually, that mother kept her stressed all the time, and that stress, which was well shown in her feet and in her behavior was part of the reasons that caused her never to make it to the second date.

Once her mother fought with her dad, and as a part of the power-struggle between the two parents, the mother took my client out to the theater. (Instead of going there with her father.)

I mentioned to her how convenient it was surely for her mom to have a single daughter who is so much on her side, and how maybe – consciously or unconsciously – her mother was practically doing her best to keep that daughter single (by keeping her well stressed to get married).

That point wasn't so easy for my client to digest, yet after she realized what I was saying she started to keep her private life separate from her mom, and would no more share with her any information about the subject. Her mother then had no option but to raise the subject here and there, and not having a partner for discussion and stress, would drop off the subject.

In a very short time most of the stress that was attached to finding a spouse miraculously disappeared.

A further step of stress-reduction happened at the end of one of the sessions, when my client arose after the 10 minutes rest and said: "I realized that I'm causing myself a lot of stress for no apparent reason. Sooner or later I am going to get married, and it doesn't really matter when this is going to happen. And as for the child I want – well, I don't need to get married in order to have a child."

It took us a few months to get to that point, when she actually fully emotionally realized that she really has the option to live the life she wanted – having both love and children, whereas before this option was theoretical only, and she never felt she really had this option.

At some point in the process my client came to the conclusion that she doesn't at all wants to get married. It was very surprising thing for her to discover. She suddenly realized how much afraid she was of the supposed criticism her partner would have concerning her and her life.

I suggested a ‘deal’ according to which she is allowed not to get married for two month. She was terrified lest she would never get married if she would allow herself to feel this way even for two moths, but finally she decided to take the risk.

During those two months our weekly meetings were devoted to subjects like self enjoyment, self love, etc.

These two months were so enjoyable and so relaxing for her, that she decided to continue the ‘deal’ for two more months, after which we both decided that it would be ‘acceptable’ either if she gets married or not.

Only at that point she came to a stage where marriage became a possible option, and not a must, and a burden.

Two weeks later she met someone whom I thought was a very good match for her. They continued their relationship for about three month – her longest relationship ever, after which she chose to put an end to it.

She said that until that man came into her life she never really believed anyone would love, and that now she felt sure of herself, well loved and well worthy, and she was sure to be meeting and marrying a man she would love more.

To sum up:

Supposedly, that young, good looking, successful woman should have had no problem getting married. On the conscious level she wanted very much to do so, but on the unconscious level there were quite a few hindrances. These hindrances became more and more clear during the process.

My client was very much afraid of criticism, and she was sure that she would be much criticized if she would enter a close and intimate relationship.

She was feeling unworthy, and did not really believe that anyone would ever love her. Therefore, whatever she did, she actually did with a lot of effort, but without any inner conviction.

My client was in a very stressful situation, caused by the stress her mother was constantly implying on her to get married. That stress has taken out any fun and happiness there could have been in meeting new people, dating, and getting married, and caused it to feel like a burden.

Due to all these, my client, when she arrived to me, was in a state of constant state of making a lot of useless and unpleasant effort, in order to achieve a goal she (subconsciously) did not even want to achieve.

It took us almost a year until she reached the point when she really loved herself and felt she was worthy.

Once the stress to get married was over, the game of courting became a fun and enjoyable one, and lead to happy results.

For desert, I would like to tell you something my client once told, and which I still cherish to this day.

At some point, at the end of our weekly session, she turned to me and said: "You know, in the beginning I just wanted to get married. After, I realized I preferred to be happy. But now I don't even care if I am happy or sad, as getting to know myself has become so fascinating!"

I wish we could all face the trials in our life with that adventurous spirit of self growth.