How to Choose a Guide / Michal Ron

How to choose a guide / Michal Ron*

We are all on the way for self-growth. I came to this conclusion after years of practice (which I started from the view point of utter disbelief, by the way).

Much too often it can hardly be seen, yet I believe that all that we do, we do in order to benefit ourselves or others, or in order to avoid harm being done to ourselves or others. We always strive for the better – only we very sharply (and sometimes very bitterly) disagree about what is 'better'.

Anyway, striving to live better, or on the way of improving our life (their quality, our relationship with ourselves, our situation in life, etc.), we sometimes choose to ask the advice of a guide. We go to that person once a week, or when we need him/her, and we pay him/her in order that the time we spend together will be only ours.

I personally believe we all need a guide or guides. We can call him/her a therapist, 'shrink', healer, guru, teacher – whatever. I chose the word 'guide' as we are all in the way, as we are all guides and are being guided, and as anyone can be a guide.

That person has two main functions.

The first is to support us on the way, and therefore – a guide.

The second function of a guide is to give an extra meaning to our life - to show us time and again the way to growth, and to keep us on that way.

Now the question is how to choose a guide?

How to know one when we meet one?

What should we be looking for?

I'd like to state here a few qualities that one must have in order to function well as a guide:

· Being discrete. This is maybe the most fundamental point. As we trust that person with our top secrets, he/she might better be one who deserves that trust.

· Love. Very stupid and supposedly very obvious. Yet, as the way is not always that easy, better to take one we like, one we are looking forward to meet, one we feel to be a good friend, a good companion, a real partner on the way.

· Acceptance. I find it very hard to work with people I don't accept, people I am angry with, or think bad things about. On the side of the coin, it is only possible for the client to reveal his/her 'real' self, his/her darkest sides and stories in front of people who would accept them no matter what.

· Strength, responsibility. One of the most frustrating therapeutic experiences I had was having to take care of my therapist, fearing he/she might won't take it. I fired two such therapists, as after 'having to take care they won't collapse' there was not much point of coming and 'putting myself in their hands'. We need to know that we are never 'too much' for the person in front of us, and that no matter what, he/she is responsible that we will go out of the room back on our feet, feeling better, happy we came.

· Caring, commitment. Many therapeutic processes linger on and on and nothing changes. In many processes we arrives at a point when the client has to choose – am I giving up being a silly baby or not? Am I going to go for what I really want, or do I go on being afraid of life and living? Our guide should be the one to insist we do what is best for us! He/she is the one that is supposed to push us when we don't have the courage to jump.

· No cooperation with the system. Much too often we create with our guide the kind of relationship we create with everyone else around us. We use our 'winning formula'. We are being nice, or smart, or funny, or vulnerable, or whatever. Mostly it is very convenient for the guide to cooperate with that. Yet, a good guide won't cooperate when it is not for our best interest. I once said to a client: "Why don't you tell me you are mad at me?" She started crying, as her anger was so deeply hidden she didn't even see she was being so nice instead of feeling angry, not to mention daring to acknowledge and express her anger.

· Maturity. On our way of self-growth we very usually 'mix' with other people. We don't see our own weak points, we think that other people are 'not OK', etc. A good guide, like a mature parent, is suppose to be able to stay with us even when we are behaving foolishly. Not to play the same stupid game we are playing; not to blame us for not being grown-ups; not to run and hide. Simply to stay with us, seeing the original pain or fear that causes this behavior, waiting for us to grow up and enabling that.

· Being a student himself. This quality is maybe the most important quality for a guide who wants to go on enjoying his/her work and to really help others. Many guides think they know better. Sometimes they do. Much too often people believe them to. Yet, nobody is always right. This quality enables one to keep learning about him/herself, and to go on learning from each and every client that comes to him/her. Thus, and only thus, would his/her students will learn how to become students/guides themselves, so that they would be able to lead themselves and others to a better, happier way of living.

Amen.

* Michal Ron, B.A. in psychology and Biblical studies from Tel-Aviv University, Israel, and instructor of the Grinberg method (2^nd level), gives private session in the Grinberg Method concerning physical, mental, emotional, and behavior issues, and leads support/self growth groups of meditation and dreams interpretation.

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September 20, 2003